This is a subject I’ve struggled with for many years. I’ve always been short but that didn’t bother me until someone teased me, I was left out or I wasn’t selected because of my size. My dad always talked big and had big dreams but one day I realized we didn’t have as much money as others and that made me feel less than them. My parents started getting into arguments and my mother would get sick and be admitted to the mental hospital and I knew the cruel things people said about “crazy people” and it made me feel ashamed. It was like I was unworthy to have a normal life.
When my dad got hired as a small-town Fire Chief, he moved us into a nice home with a big yard and it looked like things were beginning to turn around. I was proud to tell people my dad was the Fire Chief and I felt a little more worthy. It wasn’t long before I realized my life was falling apart again. My parents started fighting again and my dad left town and his job. That was bad enough but then we moved into a shabby old house and depended on the government for help. We eventually moved into the projects, which wasn’t so bad but then my mom tried to kill herself when my dad finalized the divorce, and she went into the hospital. My brothers and I were taken into Foster Care and the government paid families to care for us. I was a teenager by that time and though we lived with some nice people, I felt totally unworthy!
I attended Church all my life but had never seriously applied what I learned to my life. Yes, I accepted JESUS as a child, had been baptized and knew right from wrong, but hadn’t made JESUS LORD of my life. I remember praying in Church and though I believed in GOD, I never felt close enough to ask GOD to help with my everyday life. As a teenager, some of what I had learned began to sink in, but I still wasn’t ready to let GOD take over.
When I joined the Air Force and was sent to the Philippines, I was suddenly looked up to by my Filipino coworkers and they introduced me to their daughters and nieces. They admired Americans because of our material success. I didn’t feel worthy of their attention, but it helped me meet and marry my wife, who I discovered lived with many of the same feelings I had. We both struggled with our self-doubt but have learned to rely on JESUS. I believe our feelings of unworthiness left us in a great position for JESUS to show us He is! It hasn’t always been easy, but we stayed in Church, were faithful in giving, learned to pray for help and relied on GOD to provide. I was filled with the HOLY SPIRIT early in our marriage and when things got tough and I’d done all I could do to stand, I was able to stand (Eph 6:13-14) with GOD’s help.
I still feel unworthy at times because I know all my righteousness “are as filthy rags” (Isa 64:6 KJV) but like Paul, “my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Cor 12:9 KJV). Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I know the answer is and always has been more JESUS and less of me. I am made worthy in Him, because it’s not my worthiness but His!
Wayne Lance (2023) – That’s Good News to Share!